ALL MY FAVOURITE SELF HELP/INSPIRATIONAL STUFF

Books, Instagram accounts, articles, podcasts, docs, TED Talks and more! Let’s get growing and glowing with self-love.

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I believe we’re all on a journey of personal growth. Whether it’s mindful and positive, or not, that’s up to us. Some of the materials I’m suggesting here are specific to my life experiences and the types of things I’m working through, so keep that in mind. It’s about finding whatever works for you and serves as a beacon of light when you’re struggling.

If you’re ready to show up, get mindful, learn from your mistakes, laugh a little bit and make some changes — you’ve come to the right place. I’ve compiled a list of both recent and older materials that I love for your consideration. I hope you get something from them just like I did.

ARTICLES

As with all articles: don’t judge them based on the headlines. I’d recommend actually reading them before you get your knickers in a bunch.

DOCS (NETFLIX)

Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution
Minimalism: A Documentary About The Important Things
Gaga: Five Foot Two
Happy
Homecoming: A Film By Beyoncé

BOOKS

These are my all time non-fiction faves (my favourite fiction book of all time is here). I always have a stack I’m working on. Based on what you’re seeing here, if you have book recommendations for me please go ahead and slide them on into my Instagram DM’s. 

TED TALKS

INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTS

These are gonna be ALL over the map. Follow these accounts if you want to be more socially aware, lean into antiracism work, get that daily dose of encouragement, want to love yourself more, love a good laugh and/or want to confront your BS.

@CreateTheLove
@bymariandrew
@theslumflower
@whatswrongwithmyvagina
@BodyPosiPanda
@ihartericka

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Traveling while Black part 3,000: “…..white feminists tended to romanticize the black female experience rather than discussing the negative impacts of that oppression. When feminist acknowledge in one breath that Black women are victimized and in the same breath emphasize their strength, they imply that though black women are oppressed they manage to circumvent the damaging impact of oppression by being strong – and this is simply not the case. Usually when people talk about the strength of Black women they are referring to the way in which they perceive Black women coping with oppression. – bell hooks, "Aint' I a Woman" • • Yesterday, I was standing waiting for my bags in the TSA  pre check line (I make this distinction because white people get very uncomfortable when you come into spaces that are made accessible to them via class). "Yellow.. its the color of the season. Did you know that?" I was wearing a yellow turtle neck and had to move away when this presumable white woman was going to reach to touch it. As I was walking away, another white cis woman looked at me as if she was seeing Jesus and said, "wow you look amazing!" Y'all its a yellow turtle neck and khakis! But Ericka, its just a compliment, nah its their discomfort on loud speaker. White people do not compliment each other to this extent, I know they ain't shifting their way of being when they see me. • • I used to get dressed for these compliments. I would wait to wow white folks as my internalized anti-Blackness said that Black people weren't here for my weirdness. This fetishizing didn't end when I was married to a white person either, she did it too. When we divorced, I wasn't able to grieve. "You are so strong, Ericka! You will be fine!". When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, same thing. This rhetoric is what kills black parents in labor. Medical institutions think that we are only strong too. Like (@kolbybrianne) said this absolutely plays a role in desirability, and Eb said yesterday, if Black femmes are godlike, who wants to fuck god? • • bell hooks goes on to say that Black women are strong so white women can remain victims. • • Black folks only: Have you had this experience?

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@Rachel.Cargle

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Why is it that in order to talk about race white women act as though their safety is in danger? They approach it as if it’s rocket science. They place themselves into a role of one who must be coddled into understanding as opposed to shaken up to their role in the oppression of entire communities. • The marginalized have been living in fear, pain and frustration for generations but all of a sudden white women are the ones in need of “safe spaces” to finally talk about it. • Share this because I’m really tired of discomfort being called anything besides what it is and white people aren’t immune to discomfort, it’s exactly what’s needed in this conversation regarding race.

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Rachel also offers a free 30-day antiracism course (targeted at WW) that encourages you to dig in and #DoTheWork. You can sign up for that here.

@recipesforselflove
@thefinancialdiet
@thefashionfitnessfoodie
@AwardsforGoodBoys

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HI BEAUTIFUL

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@florencegiven

PODCASTS

Girls Gotta Eat

Fave episode: What Turns You On? with Nikki Glaser AND/OR Money Talks with Ramit Sethi

How I Built This

Fave episodes: The episode with Daymond John who created FUBU and my ALL TIME favourite & most life changing podcast episode of all time — the episode with Whitney Wolfe, the creator of Bumble.

Stuff Mom Never Told You (aka SMNTY)

Fave episode: Any episode from their 2017 series of episodes on Role Overload (single ladies, working mothers and working daughters).

The Art of Charm

Fave episodes: 748. 7 Signs of a Toxic Relationship AND 749. How to Handle Toxic Relationships

Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations

Fave episodes: Her episodes with Eckhart Tolle or Brené Brown (she has multiple episodes with each of them).

Guys we F*cked

I would actually recommend starting at the beginning and listening from the first episode onward. I think this podcast kinda broke the internet when it started and set a precedent for a whole new generation of female-hosted sex and dating podcasts.

TWITTER ACCOUNTS

Tbh we all need a good laugh or some insight once in a while, and here are a couple accounts I can always count on for that.

@SheRatesDogs

@TinderDistrict

@EWDatsGROSS

@LegendsLeague

@ChrissyTeigen

@Scaachi


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ON TRANSITIONAL PERIODS, CHANGE AND GETTING SICK OF YOUR OWN BULLSHIT

I’ve thrown myself into an ocean and I’m trying to forgo what I’d normally reach for as a life raft, so I’m learning to tread water as a result.

I think it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all experienced a period of uncertainty and/or change at one point or another in our lives. Depending on your situation, the transitional period might be by choice, or forced upon you. But either way, I honestly don’t believe one is easier than the other.

There is no time limit. It can be a month, a year or your whole damn life. Some people have learned to deal with this and they thrive here and don’t sweat it (which is admirable). Others, like me, seek comfort and consistency because that’s what I grew up with.

I’ve been in one hell of a transition period, y’all. I’ve thrown myself into an ocean and I’m trying to forgo the habits I’d normally reach for as a life raft. As a result, I’m learning to tread water.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to write a blog post for a while. A lot has happened. I feel like I’ve been hit with more truth bombs than ever before and I’ve had to show up for myself and own up to my own bullshit in so many ways. I’ve been trying to protect myself as I heal and change in isolation as much as possible, but I know I can’t do it forever. I don’t thrive when I hide from the world. This morning I reminded myself that there’s nothing to be ashamed about.

So that’s where I’ve been. I’ve also been writing a book, but that’s beside the point.

All this uncertainty has changed me in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. You might be thinking “well….fucking DUH” but I had no idea about all the ways it would force me to evolve. The Big Snooze (a term coined by Jen Sincero that you’ll read more about below) has really really really tested me and something tells me I’m not through the thick of it yet.

“It’s like when you quit smoking or doing drugs and go into withdrawal. Finally, you’ve taken a leap and done something that’s going to massively improve your life, and for days, sometimes weeks, you feel worse than you did when you were a wild child. You’re hacking up all this nasty crap, ridding your body of toxins, shaking, sweating, puking, wondering why on Earth you thought this was a good idea. It’s really fun.

Same goes for when we rid ourselves of limiting subconscious beliefs that have been holding us back and take a giant leap outside our comfort zone. It’s a detox of such staggering proportions that sometimes it can feel like The Universe is conspiring against us — trees fall on our cars, our computers crash, we find our significant others in bed with our best friends, we get our identities stolen, we get the flu, our roofs cave in, we sit in gum — when in reality, The Big Snooze [ego, fear, the devil, whatever you call it] is creating chaos in an attempt to self-sabotage and keep everything as is, instead of moving forward into unknown, yet desperately wanted, new territory. Every successful person knows this and has been through this.

When taking great leaps forward, life often turns to shit before it turns to Shinola.”

– Jen Sincero, You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life

I didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave parts of my old self behind in order to move forward. That it would feel a lot like grieving in some instances. 

My workaholism. My drinking habits. My dating habits. Basically all the things that kept me comfortable but stopped me from feelings things fully or growing.

Hell, there are habits I’ve tried to walk away from 100 times and failed 100 times. It’s embarrassing, but it’s incredibly human. I thought I’d have put certain tendencies in the past by 25, but the truth is that there’s no good time (or age) to let go. 

In some cases I’d do just about anything to let myself off the hook of taking change into my own hands and owning it. Asking “universe! send me a sign that something needs to change! I don’t know what to do!!!!” and the truth is that the universe had already slapped me in the face with the consequences of my action like a million times, and it was getting tired of my bullshit just like I was. So it gifted me a mental breakdown complete with snot bubbles, then proceeded to club me with a frozen trout while shouting, “WAKE UP YA SMART SLUT YOU’VE KNOWN ALL ALONG.” I came to in a different goddam dimension with so much clarity it hurt.

But that’s just me.

Hard truth: there’s no way to make leaving something behind that no longer serves you any easier. No short cut. No way to hand off the work. It’s all you, boo.

There’s no simple way to stop taking the escapism hatch and start opening yourself up to the pain of reality. Sometimes we wait to bottom out before we are forced to change, but what kind of way is that to honour the one life you’ve been granted? Don’t make me go through the trash to find that frozen trout the universe hit me with.

I truly believe we kept getting sent the same lesson over and over again until we learn it.

I can certainly say I’ve been sick of my own bullshit many times, but I know firsthand that doesn’t mean change will follow. Beating the odds and making change stick can’t come from a place of shame, wanting to prove people wrong or being utterly frustrated with yourself and your failures. It comes from an entirely different place in your soul.

You love yourself enough to know that you deserve to know what’s on the other side.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BvPTwF3gg8J/

To some extent, I’m also trying valiantly to accept the fact that change and growth has no end point. So finding “comfort” forever ain’t realistic.

Real, sustainable, healthy change can only come from self-love. And I know firsthand, learning to love yourself isn’t a goddam picnic.

When I started on a self-love journey in 2015, I didn’t know what I was in for. All I knew is that I needed to change, but at the time, I wasn’t using the right fuel to make it happen.

These are what my moments of self-love look like these days. I feel myself changing as I move through making new habits and it turns out that what’s on the other side of it is…clarity. Which can be great but overwhelming. Sometimes it’s practically so blinding it stings. 

So how am I coping with this newfound clarity? Well. It’s not glamorous.

It’s coping, after all 🤷‍♀️

I’m slowing the hell down in pretty much every way.

I’m staring out the window at midnight listening to music I loved as a teenager on repeat.

I’m reaching out when I’m flailing before I disappear into the quicksand of fleeting feelings. 

I’m staying sober and drinking so much f*cking La Croix. 

I’m prioritizing sleep.

I’m holding space for people I love who are in pain.

I’m thinking about getting another tattoo, but waiting on a day where I feel great to go through with it.

I’m addressing shame and its vines that have grown around my heart and mind.

I’m crying. Because sometimes when you become clear on your own bullshit it’s A LOT. 

I’m watching Eat Pray Love and Silver Linings Playbook like my life depends on it.

I’m playing with other peoples’ dogs.

I’m remembering that I make mistakes, but my mistakes don’t make me (yes, that’s a Mac Miller lyric).

I’m checking myself (gently) when necessary.

I’m making peace in the war against the eczema on my face.

I’m journaling pages full of questions for myself.

I’m repeating “you are enough” every time I leave the house, walk into a new place, go to sleep and wake up. 

I’m spending a lot of time on my own.

I’m meditating every damn day so the squirrel that lives in my brain doesn’t overrun things. 

I’m going to counselling like clockwork. 

I’m having more difficult conversations than ever before.

I’m sharing my energy very very purposefully.

I’m standing strong on my boundaries.

I’m laying on my carpet at 4:42PM when I can’t look at my laptop anymore.

This is when / where the work is done. This is not a process that can be distilled down into a 30-second montage in a movie or cleanly cut into a vlog. 

I’ve come close to stalling out in this transition period and getting stuck here. You can find a way to get too comfortable in the uncertainty in order to dodge further change.

2019 – you aren’t f*cking around. Damn.

I see you. I’m no longer being dishonest with myself about my self-limiting bullshit. I’m no longer avoiding change because I deserve better. And I’m paying for it in extreme discomfort. But it’s coming from the right place and I find comfort in the fact that I know deep down I’m doing the right thing.

I’m grateful. I’m terrified. I’m respecting my one life.

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GUEST POST: HOW I LEANED INTO LIVING MY BEST LIFE

Richelle Ready redefined what thriving looked like on her own terms

GUEST WRITER INFO

Richelle Ready is a 200 hour registered yoga teacher trained in yin, restorative, vinyasa, hatha, and Bhatki yoga. She is the creator of Bloom Yoga, a community-oriented company striving to offer yoga that is accessible for all. Richelle has a Bachelor of Social Work and offers Vinyasa, Restorative and Yin Yoga from a trauma-informed and healing-centered perspective.

As of late, I have found myself waking up in the morning excited for what my day brings. I feel joy more often than I feel sorrow. When I am feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, this does not define me and follow me throughout the entire day. I find myself sitting with hard emotions and then releasing them to continue on. I say yes to things that bring me happiness, and say no to requests that do not serve me. I feel genuinely happy and content with how I am spending my time.

When people ask how I am, or what I’ve been up to, “living my best life,” has been my go-to answer. 

There are still bad days and stresses. I still worry about money, relationships and the state of the world. But in terms of the things that are in my control — I am living my best life right now.

This was not the case at the beginning of 2018. I was working as an assessment worker in the realm of child welfare. This means that I was assessing the safety of children within their families during times of crisis and hardships, as well as planning to ensure the safety and well-being of these children. It also meant that I was working from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm and going in on weekends to complete paperwork, in a position that was scheduled to be from 8:30 am to 4:30 pm, Monday to Friday. I felt overwhelmed by the stress and magnitude of the work I was doing, as well as the vicarious and experiential trauma I was absorbing daily. I lacked the time and energy to process and cope. I was also trying to start my business, teach yoga classes, stay on top of my additional casual positions, practice yoga, go to bootcamp, eat healthy, read books for book club, sleep and maintain relationships with those closest to me. Needless to say, there was not enough time in a day or a week to accomplish everything that I put on my to-do list.

One Friday evening, I came home from work four hours late. My partner and I were supposed to go to a friend’s wedding social. He came home to find me curled up in the doorway of our bedroom sobbing on my yoga mat. I couldn’t form a sentence or even begin to explain what was wrong. I had not eaten throughout the day so I had no energy, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t go out that night. It was a social event we had been looking forward to for months.

I felt low and out of control.

Every day it seemed that my to-do list grew because I struggle with saying no and  perfectionism. I had ideas about how I wanted my life to look, and those ideas were shaped by expectations shared with me by my parents, co-workers and friends, books, television, social media and my own inner critic. The weight of the expectations I was placing on myself was causing a downward spiral, so I kept adding to my to-do list.

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Busyness. Something that I have used as an excuse for not prioritizing those things that are challenging or outside of my comfort zone. I find that when things are tough, I find other tasks to complete before making my way to the one that challenges me. Busyness is also something that I have used as an excuse for not prioritizing my own personal well-being, self care practices, and the people I love. I find that when things are emotional, I find other events to attend or chores to complete before making time to sit with my shit and experience intimacy. This being said, this holiday long weekend is an excellent reminder to slow down, spend time with family and friends, and make time for myself. Do you find yourself returning to busyness as a pattern when things get challenging? Or when your body is sending you reminders to slow down? I invite you to take busyness off of the table this upcoming week and plan your time with intention. . . . . #thisisyoga #bloominginwinter #bloomyogabyrichelle #yogaeverydamnday #winnipegyoga

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There was a month where I insisted on pre-making all of my meals from scratch. It was as if my inner critic believed that making soup (like my mother lovingly does oh so often) defined my ability to be a good partner and roommate. So I spent several of my Sunday evenings in tears over the stove (not because of the onions). I was placing my worth as a person in the number of things I could accomplish daily and weekly because I didn’t feel good about my job in child welfare. It was out of alignment with how I wanted to live my life, and I didn’t feel like I was positively impacting people the way I wanted to. I want to help — my moon is in Cancer, it’s in my nature.

With a lot of pep talks and encouragement from those who love me, I made a decision to apply for a position outside of my academic education doing something I was passionate about: teaching yoga in a studio. I was scared. I was embarrassed that I had spent so much time and money on my education only to pursue something that did not require any academic involvement. 

I was ashamed that I did not have what it took to work as a social worker. I was terrified to be without the level of income provided by government pay cheques. I was disappointed in myself. My inner critic had a field day with all of the things she had to say about me — failure, sap, suck, loser.

I had only lasted a year working in the realm of child welfare and this was where I was “supposed to” work until I was fifty-five and could retire successfully. I felt physically sick to my stomach when I shared my decision with my parents. But I also knew that I could not continue to live the way I was. When I received the position, I was excited and relieved. I had my out and began planning my new life.

But then I found out the new position fell through. Suddenly, I was headed for unemployment and into a place of uncertainty, a place I do not think I have experienced since I applied for my first job at fifteen.

It seemed like the easy option to turn around and ask for them to take me back in my old position.

Back to “Monday to Friday.” Back to misery. Back to stability.

Going back was the option many of the ‘adultiest’ adults in my life encouraged me to take. My heart knew and I knew — I couldn’t go back. Especially because some of my personal values are living in alignment and living my truth. I was tired of compromising. I was tired of spiraling into despair and drowning in lists of expectations. I was ready to stand up for myself and believe in myself. I was scared shitless but I was ready to move forward.

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It’s gonna be okay. ✨ Maybe not right now. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even the day after tomorrow. ✨ But eventually. It is going to be okay. ✨ The only constant in life is change. This moment is not permanent. Moments pass. Things change. Healing happens. ✨ Maybe not right now. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even the day after tomorrow. ✨ But eventually. ✨ Bloom Yoga believes in healing. ✨ If you are interested in exploring healing, Bloom Yoga invites you to connect through email for an upcoming offering delving into our personal shadows. . . . . . #thisisyoga #bloomyogabyrichelle #yogaeverydamnday #winnipegyoga #manitobayoga #hopeandhealing #yinyoga #accessibleyoga #healing #roottorise

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So I decided to go all in on Bloom Yoga and create a life I love. No longer sacrificing Saturdays to paperwork. No longer working for twelve hours in one day on something I did not wholeheartedly believe in. No longer witnessing the traumas of others day in and day out. I made a big change and a choice to honour myself and what I believe in.  

Now, I am teaching yoga and providing access to yoga to those who may not typically have access to yoga. I have had the privilege to teach at residential treatment facilities for women who are experiencing challenges with addictions, poverty, trauma, mental health and the justice system. I have shared yoga with youth who live within the child welfare system. I share yoga with individuals who work within the world of social work and are exposed to experiential and vicarious trauma daily. I am travelling because it makes me feel alive and joyful, but also to learn about techniques and strategies for teaching yoga. I had the privilege in October to travel to St. Pete’s Beach, Florida with my mother and my nana to learn about accommodating for the needs of survivors of domestic violence during yoga practices. I co-created a yoga teacher training program to share my knowledge and experiences with others.

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Photograph of Richelle with her nana and mother in St. Pete’s Beach, Florida in October 2018.

I am practicing yoga for myself. I am reading for enjoyment and interest. I am sleeping. I am eating in a manner that best suits the needs of my body. I am interacting with my loved ones in positive and meaningful ways. I am not saying this out of grandeur or bragging. These words come from a place of appreciation.

At the beginning of the year, I could have not pictured myself being where I am now, living the way that I am living. I am so grateful to be living my best life.

WHAT COMES NEXT FOR RICHELLE

Richelle is continuing to travel, learn, teach yoga and partner with organizations that fit her style of teaching and values. She recently launched Inner Light, a trauma-informed yoga teacher training, created in collaboration with Wild Path and Ash Bourgeois.

You can see what workshops and events she has coming up on her website here.

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When we put our pen to paper, we have the ability to make a difference. ✨ When we speak with thoughtful words and phrases, we have the ability to make a difference. ✨ When we share space with others, we have the ability to make a difference. ✨ Introducing Inner Light, a Trauma Informed teacher training created in collaboration with @wldpath and @ash.bourgeois ✨ Inner Light is an educational platform designed to hold space for all those in need of reconnecting back in with their own light. ✨ If you are a yoga teacher, healer, or work in a field where you hold space for your fellow humans, we invite you to please join us to share in learning in a way that is non harming, non judgmental, and compassionate. ✨ When we come together to learn, we have the ability to make a difference. ✨ When we share what we learn with others, we have the ability to make a difference. ✨ Bloom Yoga believes in the ripple effect. ✨ We invite you to be part of the ripple and create a difference. ✨ For more information, please see the link in my bio. . . . . . #thisisyoga #bloominginwinter #bloomyogabyrichelle #yogaeverydamnday #winnipegyoga #yogawinnipeg #thisisyogatoo #yogateachertraining #winnipegteacher #innerlight #traumainformedyoga #traumainformedpractice Photograph by the woman making a difference through creativity @owlsatdawnphotography

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ON LOSING “IT” AND MAKING A COMEBACK

No, I’m not referring to your virginity. I’m talking about when you realize you’ve been feeling….off. Maybe it’s been a few days, weeks or even months. You know when you’re not you, but for whatever reason, you can’t get back to being you.

You’ve lost it. *It* might be something different for everyone. 

Your magic. Your connection to a higher power. Your version of balance. Your gratitude. Your flow. Your peace. Your love. Your wellness. Your self love. Your mental stability. Your total and complete SHIT. 

I’ll provide one example.

When I shoved all semblance of self-care aside recently and allowed my perfectionism to take the wheel, I lost it. All of it. Like that entire list basically. And here’s what happened.

I cried. A lot. Whenever, wherever. Literally while standing in an aisle at Superstore picking toilet paper, at my desk at work when no one was around and once when everyone was around.

I was acting like the jacked up 2.0 version of me that was angry and agitated ALL THE TIME. I cancelled plans, cared way too much about what people thought, was overly critical of others, was insanely critical and mean to myself, binged and pursued short term solutions to pep me up while ignoring how they would make me feel long term.  I was full of every kind of fear you can have. It was like gripping life way too tight and losing feeling in my hands.

All of what I described above totally violates my values, and isn’t the version of myself I want to be. The pain of realizing it sucked. I felt like I had totally and completely let myself down. I was also exhausted from being stressed out and in a cloud of rage and tension 24/7.

I would like to say that I corrected my behaviour immediately, but I felt like I had drained all of my energy on holding on too tight.

Instead, I started to feel totally numb and indifferent — which isn’t really any better, I must say. As someone who feels emotions really deeply (both good and bad), feeling nothing is like a curse. I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything. I came home and watched hours of Netflix and stopped trying taking care of my body or my mind. It’s hard to admit and look within, but we all play a part in our own demise. I was the one who kept hitting ‘next episode’ after all.

I started plotting my epic “comeback” and trying to do things that would reset the hell out of me. However, I also acknowledged that creating sustainable solutions, taking stock of the situation and making changes are how I would come back and stay back.

I ended up quitting my full-time job to pursue other opportunities and I’m starting to get feeling back in my hands again. It feels good.

We all need a kickstart sometimes.

With that being said, here are a few things that have historically kicked my ass into gear:

Making the decisions I’ve been putting off

This is open to interpretation, but you’d be surprised how much mental space and energy unfinished business takes up in your brain. Stop shelving shit for later. In fact, for some people (like myself), procrastinating decisions can be a form of self-sabotage.

There is no better time than now and any decision you make is the right decision, simply because it’s yours. End of story.

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You do not exist to please others, to help or to fix them. You exist to help and fix yourself. Once you are completely full you can spread that love as far and wide as you want to help others love themselves too, remembering to top yourself up with love along the way so you don’t run out. This is self care! Something I forgot to prioritise during the chaos that has been the past few weeks, filling everyone else up…but not myself. If you ever feel like you’re giving too much, or you’re a workaholic like me and take too much on at a time, remember to take a day’s rest – you can’t be amazing all the time 💗 Be selfish with your time because it’s YOURS and no one else’s. People will use you for all you’re worth and they won’t give back – so fill yourself up FIRST

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Cutting back drastically on things that allow me to escape

Escapism is the avoidance of unpleasant, boring, arduous, scary, or banal aspects of daily life.[2] It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to help relieve persistent feelings of depression or general sadness.

Escapism is as easy as hitting next episode again and again or coming home after a hard week and having some beers. The sun always comes out again tomorrow and we wake to greet the same problems we escaped yesterday. It allows me to float through without reflecting. It allows me to numb myself to whatever pain I’m probably feeling.

When it’s just me and my thoughts it forces me to address them. This tactic might not work for everyone, but it certainly works for me. Especially when it comes to social media.

Doing something really really scary 

Everyday fear keeps us in line. Adrenaline reminds us that real fear is supposed to keep us safe. Jumping out of an airplane isn’t for anyone, but whatever seems scary go do it. Once in a while we all need a reminder that sometimes the only thing stopping us from feeling better is all our fears piled high. It might be riding your bike on the road, climbing the highest tree or jumping for the top bar (in Gymnastics), but do it, and even if you get hurt, take that as a lesson too. You’re still here.

Then get up, get a bandaid and say “fuck you fear you aren’t keeping me safe, you’re making me sorry.” Then smother that fear with a healthy dose of self love.

Reading a self-help book

Is it cliche? Yes. Is it cliche for a reason? Yes.

It’s usually a sign something is off in itself when I start avoiding anything that would make me reflect on my own behaviour or decisions — things like reading books that ask tough questions or meditating. Everytime I force myself to crack a non-fiction book when I absolutely don’t want to, it ends up being the encouragement I need to be better and pull myself up off the ground.

What a Time to Be Alone
Book is ‘What a Time To Be Alone’ by Chidera Eggerue

Moving

Whether it’s across the city or to another city, this a real thing that can help. I left my first apartment because my lease was up, but also because I knew I needed a fresh start and a place with air conditioning.

With this being said, no matter where you go, the pain or fear that you are carrying on your back will come with you. For me, my new space invited me in, made me feel good enough to put down the bags and become the person I always wanted to be.

Buying a red leather jacket

While I don’t typically suggest retail therapy as a solution, this jacket was what made me realize I missed colour in my life. It also made me realize I had been dressing, and living, on other peoples’ terms. LAME. Now I wear it and it represents who I really am.

Find your version of my red leather jacket and pick it up whenever you feel like you need some lightning straight to the soul. Or whenever you just wanna be a badass.

Saying “thank u, next”

Take stock of the five people you spend the most time with. Are they the squad that’s gonna help you make a successful comeback? Are they encouraging? Do they want you to do what’s right for you even if it’s not what they’d do? Do they remind you who you are in your moments of weakness? Do they call you on your bullshit, but in a kind way that keeps you accountable? If the answer is no – say thank you. Be kind, but be on your way. Now is the time to rise. You need those who will help lift you, and sometimes holding on to certain relationships means staying down.

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Changing my hair

Nothing like slipping into an alter-ego version of yourself by making a drastic change that takes 9 months to grow out. No but seriously, I can’t even express the amount of times I’ve used getting over the fear of a hair change to get the ball rolling on addressing my other unfounded bullshit fears.

There have even been a few times I’ve changed my hair only to realize it’s because I wanted other changes. I felt like I couldn’t grasp what I wanted or I was too scared to reach so I changed what I could control.

Moral of the story is: get the bangs, shave your head, dye your hair. It might just help you figure out where you’re at and which glowed up alter-ego you want to embrace going forward.


I thought I’d share in case anyone else is in a position where they don’t feel like themselves and are trying to find their way back. I also always suggest finding a counsellor or therapist and trying to see them consistently if possible, but I know not everyone has access to that kind of care.

Fuck any rhetoric that tells you going through rough patches isn’t normal and part of the damn process. Remember your setbacks fondly and don’t forget them — they literally made you who you are and gave you the ability to see things the way you see them now. Because every time we lose it, I think it makes us little bit better at figuring out how to get “it” back. 

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THE IMPORTANCE & IMPACT OF THE PEOPLE YOU IDOLIZE

The people and content you consume has an impact on you, like it or not.

Mentors, heroes, career crushes, spirit animals, and/or people you admire on social media. Whatever you want to call them — these are the people you look up to. What do they say about you? As I’ve matured, the people I admire and the reasons I admire them have changed greatly, which I think is pretty normal.

The funny part is, I feel like I’ve been the same person all along but somehow, at one point, I got caught in the trap of idolizing people for their lifestyles, looks and social circles (or at least how those two things appear on social media). Not only did I idolize these people, but I tried to be like them.

It was like I kept trying to shove the glass slipper on my foot but the shoe just never fit right. The more I tried (even when I couldn’t afford to), the more I struggled with my identity and where I was at. I wasn’t happy, and I felt there was a constant battle going on inside me between forcing myself to fit into this ecosystem and being myself.

Little by little, I started putting down those heavy expectations that I had put on myself. I didn’t even realize how much they had been weighing on me and stunting me from my potential. Eventually I threw the glass slipper out the f*cking window and replaced it with a sneaker. I’ll let you extrapolate what that must’ve looked like in my life, but it took a longggggg freaking time y’all.

From time to time I still catch myself carrying some of that weight. I’m only human, and old habits die hard when these types of influences are everywhere. After all, lusting after social status is good for the economy. *COugh* Kardashians *couGH coUgh*

While some of what I’m talking about might seem obvious, it can actually be really hard to admit to yourself that the stuff you are consuming has an impact on you. Here’s an example: I believe I’ve mentioned this before, but I love watching Youtube videos. Last week I un-subscribed from no less than 20 channels. I finally realized that the lives of the people I watch on Youtube look nothing like my own, which is totally fine and people are entitled to do them, but I hit a point where I had to ask myself “why the HELL am I watching a vlog where someone talks about their $100 face cream in great detail?” Yet, for some reason I’ve mindlessly watched her videos for years.

If I don’t aspire to live like her — what’s the point? 

If you are taking in something that makes you feel less-than for whatever reason, shut that sh*t down. Pinterest, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat — WHATEVER. Hold it at arms length and ask if it’s serving you to be looking at it.

The most important part of the transition, for me, was seeking out and finding new people to look up to that are living life authentically, passionately and with self-love. Who are unafraid of being different and working on themselves unapologetically. Who are making their own rules, or saying screw the rules altogether. Who are living the example and being brave in their own lives. Who are growing and changing constantly (just like me) and aren’t afraid to admit it. People I can relate to. People who accept me as I am.

They are now my friends. My peers. My family. My idols. My spirit animals (yup I’m one of those annoying people that still says that).

Go forth and find your true self in others you look up to. Or maybe a version of yourself you aspire to be (but not in an unhealthy way, yenno?). Don’t be afraid to explore why you admire them and work hard to cultivate that in yourself. Be around people who lift you up and make you proud to be who you are.


Remember: we are the sum, or average, of the five people we surround ourselves with the most. So don’t be afraid to invite someone you admire out to get a coffee.

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